i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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