Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
