I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
