is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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