It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
