So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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