she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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