I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
