I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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