If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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