I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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