I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
