I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
