There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
