Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
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