8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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