i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
