I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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