He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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