i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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