She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
