Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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