Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
