He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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