Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm passing your future prison.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
