Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
ok first of all what the fuck
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
