She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
