The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
