he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
God, I missed his penis.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
