If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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