I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
