you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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