I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
