Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
