he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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