shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
