Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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