For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
