i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
