You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
