i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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