just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
