Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
