Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
