It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
