Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
