Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
