I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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