Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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