Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
