I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
