Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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