We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
