And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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