she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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