I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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