my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
