she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
