we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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