Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
