Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
