I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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