I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Walk of Shame today included voting.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
