i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
