I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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