so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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